Last night I finally managed to convince my fianceé to smoke weed with me. She’s always been anti-420, but now that we’re just a few weeks away from getting married and being all grown up and shit, she’s gone full YOLO.
Fast forward to me seeing my fianceé high for the first time. She became extremely relaxed and talkative. It was cute at first, listening to her go on and on about life and love. But then shit kind of got specific. She mentioned how she never expected to be with someone like me.
I didn’t even have to encourage her to explain because the floodgates were already wide open. All those details spilled out without any fucking filter. This is what I learned from my fianceé that I never knew before:
1. Most of her past relationships ended because she was notoriously promiscuous.
2. As per #1: one of those relationships came to an end after she cheated on her boyfriend by hooking up with his younger brother, while also cheating on the damn brother, with his best friend, who just so happened to be the same sex.
3. I’m the first guy she’s had to do the “fake orgasm thing” with. Apparently all her exes pushed all the right buttons whereas I don’t.
4. My asthma is a turn off when it comes to sex because she feels like she needs to hold back, so that I don’t get too excited and die.
5. All her exes had horse dicks (of course they did!). I’m her first average.
Those were some of the key points. I was too traumatised to register whatever else she said afterwards. I don’t think I blinked for the rest of the evening.
**TL:DR Convinced my fianceé to get high on relationship-destroying weed.**
*Update: Even though I knew what my fianceé said would haunt me forever, I was willing to bury it in the back of my mind and pretend like last night never even happened. However, my fianceé wanted to talk. So we did. It was brutal. She said my mom was right about her being wrong for me. Long story short, all of this shit was building up to her admitting she’d been sending nudes to one of her horse dick exes. A fucking Chad. I’m emotionally destroyed. It doesn’t feel real yet, so I have trouble accepting it’s over. But it is. Guess I’m returning that ring and getting a PS5. Appreciate all the advice.*